No, there is not a typo in this title. And yes, the problem you are having with your spouse, kid, or neighbor, is most likely not the problem.

Let me explain what I mean by this.

When people get into arguments or fights, the extent of the debate always seems to remain on the surface level. It’s almost as if lawyers are making their case by presenting and challenging the facts of the situation, and whoever presents the final “gotcha” wins the argument and gets their moral superiority over the other person. Ironically, even with this situation it never feels like anyone wins at all. One person proves what has occurred but doesn’t get a real and understanding apology, the other feels like garbage and realizes the other person might be right but it sure doesn’t feel like it, and worst of all the underlying issue never gets addressed, let alone solved.

Then a week later, they have the same fight all over again.

The key in these situations is this: we all focus on what happened during the fight, not how or why the fight happened. We focus on all the trivial “facts” of the argument and making sure we get them in the correct chronological order, with some distorted idea that if we can win the battle of ideas the issue will be solved because the other person will feel guilty and fix the problem in the future. We need to shift from figuring out who did what to figuring out why the situation occurred in the first place. But how? Believe it or not, there is a sort of a step-by-step guide to help you through this:

1. Be gentle and responsible.
2. Find out who owns the problem.
3. Find out what that person feels and needs.
4. Step into the feeling and be part of the solution.

First and foremost, is for everyone to be gentle and responsible. If we are working to solve an issue being driven by bitterness and anger towards the other person, nobody will get anywhere. Before anything gets addressed, it is best for everyone to get into a place where they can interact gently with each other and be willing to accept responsibility. From there, the goal is to find out who owns the problem. Who has the initial issue? Generally, this is the person who brings up the issue to discuss, but if it is still undetermined, look at who would be unaffected if the problem were to continue. There is usually one person who could carry on as usual, whereas the other person would admittedly become increasingly more frustrated. This is the person who owns the problem.

Step three is perhaps the most important step. Once it is determined who “owns the problem”, that person needs to find out what feeling is occurring and what they need from the situation. What emotion are you feeling? Did the situation at hand make you feel neglected? Frustrated? Misunderstood? Lonely? Find out the underlying emotion, and then find out what you need to be different about the situation. Did you come home from work and get bombarded with all of the issues that occurred while you were away, leaving you frustrated? Gently state how hearing all these issues while you are tired coming home from work makes you feel frustrated and ask for ten minutes of relaxation or discussion not related to problem solving. Did you feel like your partner didn’t take notice of your new outfit and you feel neglected? Bring up how you are feeling and ask what they think of your new clothes.

The final step is for the listener to step into what the other is feeling and help generate a solution. This can generally be achieved through clarifications, affirmations, and planning. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I didn’t realize you had such a tough day at work. Sorry for throwing all this on you as soon as you walked in, can I do anything to help you settle in?” or “Oh baby, I can’t believe I didn’t notice! You look so great in that new dress, it looks gorgeous! Where did you find it?” are both great examples of being gentle and partially responsible for the situation that the other is experiencing.

People are not mind readers, but so much of the time we act as if we are. We tell ourselves “Obviously she knows I put in a nine-hour day, her throwing all these issues on me means she doesn’t care about how tired I am” or “He didn’t say anything about my new clothes, he just doesn’t think I am pretty. If I was pretty enough, he’d give me the attention”. You can see on paper how ridiculous these stories are, and yet we tell them to ourselves all the time without giving the other person even a chance to show us otherwise.

Break the pattern. Be gentle and accept responsibility. Find out who owns the problem. Choose to be vulnerable and state how you are feeling and what you need. Step into the other person’s emotions and be part of the solution. When we fight, it tells us that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. It’s up to us as individuals to take a step back and assume some positive intent of each other. It’s realizing that her bringing up things or him not noticing the dress isn’t the real issue. It’s that you feel exhausted after work. It's that you feel a lack of confidence today. And it’s more than okay to allow another person to see that and be there to help you through it.

Let’s choose gentleness and responsibility, let’s learn how to fight differently!