We all struggle with communication. No matter who you are or who you are with, there is always going to be some sort of adjustment or awareness to help communicate with the other person. And that’s because… its HARD. There are so many confounding variables that contribute to disjointed communication. How each person was raised. Each individual’s personality. Their emotional experience that day. Every person’s unique trauma. All of these contribute to how we communicate, which is why it can be so difficult to get your point across to your friend, or to retain your emotional composure with your partner. So, I wanted to take a moment and reflect on four helpful, actionable tips to help better your communication.

Number One: Apologize for what you didn’t do.

This apology kind of sucks: “I don’t remember doing that, if I did, I’m sorry”. Or the classic, “I’m sorry, BUT…” and all kinds of others. This doesn’t work because it’s not really an apology. It does not take any responsibility or accountability in the situation; it literally has a built-in excuse on why you are in the right. But it can be difficult, especially if you truly don’t remember doing what you are being told you did, or if you really were triggered or set off in some capacity before you hurt someone. Here’s the helpful first tip: apologize for what you didn’t do. “It sounds like you didn’t feel support in that situation, I’m really sorry” or “I hear that you didn’t feel understood in our talk just now, what can I do to make you feel heard?” This not only helps you take partial responsibility, but also helps the other person feel connected.

Number Two: Repair through understanding.

As an extension of the previous tip, let’s look at how to repair after an apology. This is important because sometimes just saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough to fix the issue or restart the connection with the other person. So, what do you do here? After a well-spoken apology, it can be good to show that you care about what occurred for the other person. We can show this by doing this as a follow up: “How did my actions make you feel?” This gives the other person a chance to self-reflect and gives you a road map to exactly how they reacted. This information is crucial as it provides you with a way to show empathy and adjust your actions accordingly.

Number Three: Handling an emotional bomb.

We’ve all been in the midst of an emotional bomb. You’re meeting a friend for lunch, and they let you know their dog just died. You’re enjoying an evening at home, and you get a call from your girlfriend saying she just lost her job. I don’t know about you, but I have really struggled in the past to find the words of what you say next, because really, what can you say? You can’t change it. You can’t take away all the sadness and pain. But here are a couple of things that you can try to do to make the other person feel heard and loved. One, say “tell me more”. You just found out their dog died? Tell me more. What happened? She lost her job? Oh my goodness, tell me more, when did this happen? Any move to gain more information and show interest can help the person process their emotions and provide a space of permission to do so. And two, ask “How is this effecting you?” Again, this brings us back to a place of self-reflection, allowing the person to look into themselves and see how they feel and be able to have a safe place to vocalize whatever that may be.

Number Four: Stop saying “you”.

We have all heard it before. Every therapist at some point in their career has said “Make sure to use an ‘I’ statement.” But what does this mean?? What’s even ironic about this is that these “I” statements quickly turn into “I feel that you do…” I feel you don’t ever listen to me. I feel like you are just so lazy. I feel like you just never do anything for me. So here is my rule that I always tell my clients: avoid the word you like the plague. First, it’s just very easy for us to not only put whatever it is we are talking about onto the other person and make it about them instead of ourselves. And it’s also very easy to recognize very quickly what it is we don’t like, what we don’t want. On the other hand, it’s very difficult to own the problem and speak for what it is you are looking for. Instead of saying “I feel like you don’t ever listen to me”, instead try “I don’t feel heard right now, would you have five minutes to sit and talk with me?” This communicates not only an accountable statement for your partner to empathize and understand, but also allows them to step in and take initiative to help them change the situation.

I hope these helpful tips can start the path to more helpful communication between yourself and the people around you. It can feel very difficult sometimes to weed through all the emotions and memories to find that connection that we all are searching for: to be believed. These can be helpful starting points in your own relationship, give them a try and see if they make the difference!