We hear a lot that “most problems could be solved with healthy communication”. While I believe that is pretty accurate (maybe I’ll do a blog post about Curiosity vs. Assumption), I think there’s another element of conversation we need to talk about.

Control.

Striving to “be right”, to prove yourself, to win the argument, to say the last word, to convince the other person of your opinion. Control.
No one likes to be controlled. If you have to always be right, that means everyone else has to always be wrong… and no one likes to be wrong, right? It’s fruitless to try and control another person. By definition, if we feel controlled by something or someone, we tend to rebel against it, not agree with it. We think we are creating safety by exerting control, but in reality, we create hostility and the opposite of vulnerability. One-uping someone in conversation is a form of control, too. If we’re honest with ourselves-- we can never actually control another person.

So what does control look like?

Examples of Control:
• Giving someone rules about who, when, where, and how they hang out with other people
• Withholding information, location, experience, or emotions from a partner
• Temper, especially when things don’t go their way
• Putting others down
• Gaslighting and guilt-tripping you and manipulation
• Verbal and physical outburst, including yelling, hitting, crying, name-calling
• Denying reality and insisting you are wrong

So what do we do with our need to control? We need to understand it. We need to understand the value it has—and the deeper meaning. Usually, control is a manifestation of fear, insecurity, anger, and negative core beliefs. We can address control, but we’ll also need to address the deeper meaning behind the desire to control people/things.

Reach out for help if needed.

You Got This.