We all run from things.

I always tell my clients: it’s very easy to find out what you don’t like, we do it all the time! You find yourself saying things like: I hate it when your spouse leaves the toilet seat up, it is so incredibly frustrating to come home and be bombarded with a thousand things that require your attention, and can just ONCE my parents take responsibility and not turn everything back onto me? It is so easy for us to see what hurts us, those things that we just wish didn’t happen in our lives.

And what do we do with these distastes? We run from them.

We say, I am NEVER going to leave the toilet seat up. I will avoid having my attention pulled in so many directions at once. When I have kids, I will not ever make them feel bad like my parents did. There is only one issue with this: when we run from things and don’t know what we are running towards, our bodies default to what we know. Sure, maybe the toilet seat was a bit too small for an example. But let’s take getting your attention pulled in all the directions at once as soon as you walk into the door of your home. You’ve never practiced boundaries. You don’t know what it’s like to rest without checking in with every person before you take a moment for yourself. These ideas don’t exist in your mind- metaphorically AND literally. So as much as we try and push and avoid these circumstances, they find our way back to us because we always default to our original setting: what we have seen a million times in the course of our lives.

There have been countless times where I have sat with people and heard the phrase “I hate that I do this, I swore I would never act like my dad. But when I’m in the moment and the frustration is building, I just can’t help but yell. It’s like something else completely takes over me.” You’re not crazy, and you’re not a bad person. You just have to build something new.

Like I said earlier, it’s easy to point out the things that we dislike. It’s much more difficult to then turn and say “Instead, I want this” or “I will do this from now on”. We have to turn our default setting to something new. We have to give our bodies and minds a new behavior, a new value to latch onto. Otherwise, we will always fall back into old patterns.

Do you feel like you’re running? Here is a quick exercise that you can do to start exploring how to build something new:

1. Go to Google, chat GPT, or just have an old-fashioned brainstorming session and write out 10-15 characteristics that you value. (Example: responsibility, honesty, hope, connection, etc.)
2. Take these characteristics and narrow them down to five core values that represent the person you wish to be.
3. Under each characteristic, write three ways you can actionably show up this way. (Example: Responsible- I will show up to work on time. I will make my bed every morning.)
4. Do it!!

This simple exercise is a starting point- a spot to turn from running away from the past and instead ask yourself: How do I want to show up in life? When you replace things you are trying to avoid with values and actions you can anchor into, this is where you see real change take place. So, take this exercise, get a pen and paper, and let’s start a new chapter in your life with a simple question: Who am I going to be today?