Behold, the three F’s: faith, family, and finances. Before moving forward in a committed relationship, it is absolutely essential that you discuss these topics with your partner. As a quick side note, I am not saying that people who have disagreements in any of these areas cannot have a successful relationship. Many people have differences in how they choose to approach each of these and can make it work. But I cannot emphasize this enough: it is paramount that they are talked about and that you and your partner are on the same page. These are intricate and a core to any healthy relationship, and when it comes to my approach on talking about these topics, I say early and often. So, let’s take a moment to dive into the three most important topics you and your significant other can speak about!

Faith

The first one we are going to touch on is faith. Faith can come in all shapes and sizes, and everyone has one. Maybe there is an argument for someone with “no faith”, but this is my blog post so we will operate under the assumption that everyone has a core belief about the world, however that manifests! Why is discussing your faith with your spouse important? Essentially, it comes down to values. What you believe determines what you value, and what you value determines how you act. This is easy to do when it’s just yourself but throw a whole other person in the mix and suddenly your actions represent two people, not just one. They represent you both. And how you act both separately and together is innately tied in how you want to move forward yourselves as a couple.

What should we consider when we look at faith? Here are a few questions to get you started: What is your religious perspective? What are the three characteristics you value most? If we were to have kids, do you have any expectations on how we influence their faith?  Do any of my beliefs cause concern for you? Take the time to look at these questions, maybe even some of your own!

Family

Ah yes, the typical TV show trope. The couple is madly in love and are perfect in all regards. They have money, they love their jobs, their personalities mesh like peanut butter and jelly. They fall madly in love and get engaged. However, shortly after one person casually drops “It’ll be great when we have kids!” to which the other replies “Kids?? I don’t want kids!”. Thus, the couple decides to break up, breaking your heart in the process as your eyes can’t believe what they just watched.

Starting a family is a HUGE step, one that I do not feel a lot of people give enough weight to. I mean the bare essentials of just basic human survival are already so much to handle. Providing food, adequate shelter, money for clothes, changing diapers, keeping them safe, and on and on and on. That’s all before having to give them time each day, showing up for their emotional needs, teaching them how to live life. To top all of that off, you must work with your spouse on how you want to approach all of this, what you want to teach them and how you want to teach them. It’s a whole can of worms!

And this is just a piece of the pie. What about in-laws? Will we live closer to yours or mine? Who do we spend thanksgiving with? Who do we include in our little circle of life? The point is, there is so much that goes into creating the family vision you have in your head. The key is you can’t create that vision by yourself, you must do it with your partner. Chances are, they have an entire vision themselves. The best thing you can do for your future relationship is talk about it now. Dream a little, talk about what you want life to look like together!

Finances

I saved the most important for last. It is almost common knowledge at this point that the leading cause for divorce is money issues. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve brought this topic up in session and had the most confused look on my clients’ faces. Sometimes they can’t tell me how much money they have, who brings in more, how much their monthly expenses are, or how much debt they have accrued!

Here’s the deal: money cannot buy you happiness. But money problems can cause you and your relationship all types of heavy stress. If you take nothing else from this post, please take this: communicate on your finances. There is a reason that people choose to remain in the dark on this subject, because the answers are scary. It’s scary to know exactly how much money you have. It’s terrifying to know what would happen if one of you lost their job. It’s not fun, but it’s paramount. Having a clear picture of your finances gives a clear picture of what you need to do to alleviate the biggest wedge that gets driven between most couples.

With that in mind, here are a few basic things to do together to help clear up that financial blur:

1. Create a monthly budget. How much do you have coming in and where exactly is that money being spent.
2. Be proactive, not reactive. Try to plan as realistically as possible. Instead of having to find the money for the unexpected flat tire, spend some time talking about a plan to have the money when the flat tire occurs.
3. Pay off your debt as quickly as possible. When you have debt, that number in your bank account is never correct. Your money is not yours. How can you learn to breathe if your biggest source of how you run your life is not your own?

There is so much more here, but these three pieces are incredible places to start.

I again want to reiterate. It is not crucial to your relationship that you agree with every single detail on every single one of these topics. It is crucial, however, that you and your partner talk about each of these things and move in a direction together. These talks can be scary, and bring up tough things that you may not want to discuss. But it’s all about being intentional with your relationship and building a culture where you work together and create the life you both want, collaboratively. And it begins with communicating what you want. It starts with talking about that vision. So, give it a try! Make it a fun date night because it doesn’t have to be scary. Especially when you have a partner to jump into the dark with.